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On this Christmas morning, are you worried about selecting quite the right gift for that someone special? I always try, yet wherever I look the suggestions flood in with unhelpful suggestions. Absolutely not, I have no desire for a candle with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we're preparing turkey. Nor do I want a dawn-simulating clock, because I can leave the curtains open achieves the same thing. I certainly do not want a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, because said DNA originates in milt. If I wanted aquatic semen on my face, I'd simply go fishing.

Seeking Inspiration In the Animal Kingdom

So if you constantly search for inspiration, my advice is: learn from the animal kingdom. Our species did not create the act of giving. The practice has existed for over 100 million years, well before humans appeared. With a little help by evolution, this has given creatures plenty of time to perfect the art of giving. Indeed, some spiders even gift-wrap their presents!

Leaving out fitness gear and other products I dislike, we can identify five categories of holiday presents: food, homeware, jewelry, beauty products and apparel. The animal kingdom has them all covered.

Culinary Presents: From Protein Snacks to Gourmet Skewers

Brazilian cuckoos offer their mates nutritious morsels such as bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. But if you prefer your meat shished, then the great grey shrike, also known as the butcher bird. The males spear prey, like insects and mice, on sharp thorns and twigs to create artisan kebabs.

Certain insects present to their suitors spitballs, yet these are not just any spitballs. These represent scorpionfly spitballs, crafted with only the finest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of the most genetically superior males. This offering is packed with nutrients, which is one reason the females favor males with larger gifts.

An additional factor involves the most genetically robust males make the biggest spitballs. By "fit" I am not referring to physical appearance, although they probably do. I refer to “fit” in the genetic sense.

The gifts are offered prior to mating, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is selecting genetic quality. She then consumes the gift while mating but ends intercourse the moment it is finished. Larger gifts result in extended mating sessions, during which the male transfers additional sperm and the female can’t mate with other males. This clarifies why he bothers with such an elaborate offering.

Nest-Building and Bling

These Antarctic penguins don’t give food, but they do give things for the home. In Antarctica, their home, one cannot find a hardware shop, so the penguins must source their offerings from their surroundings. Every mating season, the males gather small stones to begin constructing a nest. These crucial components are scarce, prompting some chancers to steal pebbles from nearby nests. But when a male gives a pebble to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Consider it the avian version of an engagement ring. The stone doesn’t go on her finger, though. If she wants to get serious, she accepts the pebble and adds it into the nest. Subsequently, after a few finishing touches, they are prepared to start their family.

Regarding bling, crows excel at this gift category. Numerous stories of people who have befriended wild crows and later received bottle tops, screws, buttons and other shiny items. For instance, two people in Florida were once given a diamond bracelet by a crow they fed regularly. This is particularly endearing because while most animals give presents hoping for mating opportunities, crows seem to just enjoy giving.

The Pinnacle of Combination Gift: Sea Sponges

Off the coast of Australia, dolphins have been spotted plucking clumps of sea sponge from the seabed and utilizing them in fascinating manners. Sometimes, when they’re rummaging for fish, they wear the sponges on their beak to help protect their skin. At other times, when males want to court females, they don them like jaunty hats before offering them as gifts.

In so doing, dolphins ingeniously merge two final categories of holiday gifts. Marine sponges serve as attire and skincare. And if that’s not enough, when males present their sponge gifts, they often strike a curved “banana pose” and play a little tune via their blowhole.

This stands in contrast to the lackluster presents from pets – such as a cat presenting a dead mouse in an obscure corner – or some people. Dolphin gifts are considerate, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and delivered with panache. There is a lesson for all of us. A famous singer may have said all she wants during the holidays is a loved one, however, my single holiday wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector by a dolphin that serenades me with style.