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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.