Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
